35 DAYS TO GO TO MY OP!!

Hi everyone, I am sitting in bed (my hubby to be is snoring away here beside me.. bless!) and I decided to drop a few lines to say hello. I am really enjoying being able to express my thoughts about this life change that I am undertaking, and I would like to thank you all for your support.
Today I began to reflect on people in my past who are no longer part of my life. I will admit I have cut myself out of my old social circle due to my low self esteem and my weight. I do not want to socialise in my home town and have people looking at me and saying "Jeeeez,,, did you see how much weight she has put on..?!!" etc. A lot of my "friends" really were not friends to me at all, especially at times when I needed them most. My weight has had a devastating affect on me, my life, my social life, and the way I partake in my own family life. I shy away from meeting people and I have the feeling that my parents were always slightly embarrassed by my size. This is not a good feeling :(
  I was really good friends with a girl who moved over to Ireland when we were in 3rd class, she was English and we were like sisters. We were stuck together like glue, sleeping over in my house or hers, or vice versa. When we grew up, I did a very prestigious course for the travel industry, but my friends parents would not pay for her to do it even though she begged them. She decided to move to New York with another friend of ours. I got a good job in the travel industry and was very happy, although I really wanted to go with them when they went. She came home after a few months and came to stay with me in my apartment. I offered to help her get a job where I was working, so I did her CV for her, lent her a suit, told her what to say and how to act. I gave her CV to a friend of mine who was recruiting for an airline. She got the job and moved in with some other trollie dollies (air stewards) and we began to lose touch as she found new friends.
 I began dating a guy, and when I met one of his friends on a night out, I knew instantly that he would be perfect for her so I introduced them. They hit it off immediately and after a year they travelled around the world together. Was I jealous? definitely.
I got a few emails off her but not much more, even though my dad had been very sick at the time with cancer. When she came home,  I got an invitation to their engagement party. I didn't go. I just thought "F*ck you. You were never there for me when i needed you, and you never once made time for me when you came home" She never bothered getting in touch with me after that, and when they recently married in Sardinia this year, I never got an invite.
I was shopping with my Mother one day recently and they were passing me on the street. She saw me, I know she did, but she just whispered to her fiance and turned her head. I was so mad I nearly got sick.
There are plenty of story's like that I could tell but I won't. I have been let down by friends I thought were friends for life. I did everything for her. Now I am crumbling away, my weight is holding me back BUT I am excited because this is my time to shine. To get back out there and live a wonderful life and not worry about the "whispers".
I am TAKING my life BACK. I will be able wear sexy clothes (not just tracksuits and leggings) and I will be able to show all my haters and doubters that they missed out on a great friend. And I will be able to make more, with my new found confidence ;)

Pretend you're perfect and smile..?

Hi everyone, just touching base with you all. Very down in the dumps today, not having a good day at all. Definitely eating less, hopefully that will be reflected on the scales this Saterday! I am just about to go and pay my deposit of 250 euro to Dr Chris so I am quite excited about that, I still cannot believe that I am actually having surgery to overcome my weight issues and that I don't have the self control to do it by myself. I am feeling very disappointed and really sad about that.. I don't how I got to this stage. Does anyone else out there that got a lap band feel like this? I am just going to have to accept in my mind that this is what I have to do, and get on with it but I am finding it hard, I have to admit. I had opened a Twitter account to be able to tweet my progress, but I just checked it and I had already been tracked down by my sister-in-law and was being cyber stalked so I had to close it. It is unfortunate that I feel I have to hide what I am doing but that is just the way it is in my family. Never admit your failures and never highlight your imperfections. Just get on with it. Pretend you're perfect and smile. I can feel my new years resolution of being more positive slipping through my fingers as I type but seriously, do any of you ever just get sick of trying to please everyone else ALL the bloody time??
I have filled in my pre-op questionnaire and emailed it back to Dr Chris, so fingers crossed there will not be an issue with the pain medication I am on for my back. Does anyone know of a good liquid painkiller available in Ireland? I'm going to google it.. Il get back to you later ok ;) Fond Fatties Forever xx

Is that WHY I am fat? OMG!!

Ok. You know yourself, you have done ALL the diets known to man, struggled to "stick" to them, vowed that this year (every year) would be "my" year, bought the protein shakes, joined the slimming classes, swallowed the diet pills, lived on soup for a week or two, and failing all that you have also tried pure starvation, right?? Yep I thought so. So have I. And guess what? I am FATTER now than when I began my whirlwind romance with diets and weight loss programmes. WHY? Well I think I have just cracked it..
I have figured out that I am an "emotional eater". I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad. My favorite pastime and guilty pleasure (and this is no lie!) is eating junk food while reading my newest diet book. I kid you not!
I have been in the most honest relationship of my life for the last two and a half years. I have never known someone as well as I know my Fiance, and he is the same (or.. so he likes to tell me!). But the one thing that is really an issue is when he does something that annoys me, I cannot bring myself to say it, and I just let it fester inside me until i explode over something silly. (Now don't get me wrong, he does stupid stuff too, all the time, but I forgive him, because he is only human after all.) But it really annoys him and rightly so, it's like I just REFUSE to express myself.. and inevitably I end up eating.
This last week has been a very interesting, but draining few days, as I am staying with my Mum while my Dad is away. I mean, I love my Mum to bits, she is my hero, but it has only highlighted my issues with food, and also my emotional instability at the moment. I can normally just eat or snack when I am angry/sad/frustrated/stressed/tired but here, in my Mums house, under her watchful eye, I cant. I have started crying for no reason, been inexplicably hormonal, extremely depressed, and the lowest I have been in years.
I am wondering am I feeling these feelings because I normally repress them with food?
I also have a situation with my older sister, and that causes me a lot of stress, and I have huge self confidence dips when she is around, particularly when she is with my Mum. I feel like they are constantly talking about me, judging me, pitying me, worrying about me. I don't want anything to do with her ( it is a long story) but I only talk to her for my Mum and Dads sake.
So what do I do? How do I deal with this problem? I do not talk to my parents about stuff like this because I feel that at their age they do not need it and it is selfish of me to look for this type of attention. Maybe this is the root of my problem that I feel I cannot talk to them. I have it as long as I can remember. SO I am going to have to do some research, find something to help me with this.
That has been a load of my chest I must say.. at least I feel I can talk to you :)

The First Day, the first battle..

Hi everyone!! Ok, so game on. Today is the first of January 2011 and this is the year that I will become a Skinny Bitch :) As you know, I am having lap band surgery in February but I am channeling a healthier frame of mind and starting to train myself to make the right food choices until then. So today,  I slept very late as I was up driving everyone home after the celebrations last night and didnt get to bed until 5am. So my mum brought me tea and toast in bed this morning and I ate it.. it was wholemeal brown bread, low fat spread and I think there was sugar in my tea. Not the amazing start i had hoped for but it could have been worse! I then went back to sleep and slept until 15.30. I was wrecked after the late night and the Christmas festivities, so I think that was ok. Then I got up when my brother came over and hauled me out of bed. I had another cup of tea and an Actimel with my painkillers I had to take for my back. Then I made a Chicken Salad for Dinner..   Pictured here on the right. It was very tasty I have to say. Lettuce, radishes, mixed peppers and red onion, with a little low fat dressing and coleslaw mixed with a tiny touch of mustard was topped with chicken breast fried in  a tiny drop of olive oil.
Ok I didn't know how much protein there is in it and I didn't count calories, but it is low carb and fairly low fat.
Maybe I could have done a bit better but I am going to praise myself for making the effort!! Rome was not built in  a day you know ;)
Yesterday I set out a list of things I need to do every day to change my life. I dont think I achieved all of them today but I did try. Tomorrow I will try harder. I weighed myself today and I weighed in at 15 stone 5 lbs, which is 215 lbs. My goal is 140. I will weigh myself every Saterday and track my weight loss as I go on my tracker. How did you think I did today? What would you have done differently? Please leave me your comments I would be most grateful :) Tomorrow is a new day and it will be a better diet day than today. Every day I will improve and eventually be able to answer "Yes" to all of my checklist of new habits below. Until then, fellow fat fighters, be good, and take care ;)

Is that what people really think when they look at me??

Ok. I seem to have been on a constant whinge-fest since i started this blog but I am just venting my frustrations at how people view, and treat people who have a weight problem. I woke up this morning excited about my older brother and sister-in-law coming to stay with us for a few days. I have to say, out of all my sister's in law she is my favourite and I always have great time for her. So after dinner I told her i had bought my wedding dress ( I am getting married in 2012!) and I showed it to her. Now the dress I bought is a US size 10 and I am currently wearing a UK size 18-20, so DUH I know it dose not fit... But IT WILL by the time the wedding comes. So she looked at it, looked at me and said "Jeez, you have a lot of work to do!". DUH (again!) so then she proceeded to sit beside me all evening and tell me rather loudly how fabulous I could be if I lost weight, and did I remember my 21st? (9 years ago, I was a skinny bitch.. of course I remember..!)
Then she said "Imagine, everyone will be thinking you are going to be huge and not really great in your dress, and then when you turn up you will have lost all the weight and you will be fabulous!!".. I didn't know what to say to be honest, but it just reinforced in my mind what they all must think when they look at me. I always tried to convince myself that at least my family could see me for me, but apparently not. They just see a fat floundering woman who cant get her shit together and stop filling her face.
I wouldn't mind but this woman is no skinny minny herself, she is a good 16-18. Maybe she was saying it out of concern, but it didn't come across like that. I have really come to the stage where I feel I am a spectacle and instead of getting the support I need from my family I am getting negativity and hurt.
I cant wait to see the look on their faces when I lose all my weight and KEEP IT OFF FOR GOOD :)
Night night fellow bandsters, may all your dreams come true and may your lives be filled with happiness ;)

The worst moments..

Everyone who struggles with their weight fights a public battle everyday. This can be humiliating, debilitating, and quietly destruct you as a human being. I have many memories of public humiliation that I have shelved so far back in my mind that I really have to delve deep to bring them back but when I do, they are still as raw and stinging as they were when they happened. I'm not talking about your typical "Getting stuck in the chair" story, but all of these stories, are, in a way, that exact story, just a different circumstance.
The first thing I can remember is one Christmas, at home. I was sitting down with all the family at table when my lovely sister turned around and announces that "there is no more stuffing, as SHE took too much, as per usual." I can remember getting up and running to my bedroom and crying tears of pure shame and frustration. I was five years old.
I can remember my mother buying me a packet of sweets one Sunday when we went to the park. I was about seven years old at the time. I was over the moon,( as even though I was a pudgy child, I really didn't eat that much crap, it was all good home made cooking, just a little too much of it.) She sat in the front of the car and stuck her hand back over her shoulder for a sweet. I handed her one. She ate it. She stuck her hand back again for one. I gave her one. She ate that too. As I tried to get one into my own mouth, my mothers hand came back again for a sweet. I handed her another one. I could feel the anger welling up inside me. She knew I never got sweets, and I knew she didn't have a sweet tooth. She was eating them so I couldn't. I took the bag and handed her the bag. "Take them I don't want them" I said as I turned and looked out the window. I can still remember the feeling of confusion, anger and resentment.
I have often wondered why my relationship to food is so bad. I have to get to the bottom of this and heal the wounds that make me eat. If that makes sense.. That is how I feel.
I don't want to find someone to blame don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my lack of self discipline, but I would like to know why I developed such a dependence on food. It really is my drug of choice. Today I watched a documentary on  guy who weighed over 900 lbs, and his life coach explained something very true about food addiction. When you suffer from a drug addiction or a gambling addiction, you can just not do these things again and as long as you don't go near them you are succeeding. Well its different for food addicts because you MUST eat to survive.
It is really like being in a horrible self made prison, to which only I own the key. Do I have the courage to do what I need to do to change my life? To undergo surgery in a foreign country? To change my eating habits and eat for nutrition instead of boredom? To strip all of my horrible negative thoughts in my head away and replace them with good, positive affirmations? To believe in myself and believe I am a worthwhile person with as much to offer as anybody else? I hope so. Because if I must continue my life as I am now I am going to die having not lived my life. What, could be worse than wasting your entire life, as a slave to the Food trap?
I am going to do this. I absolutely have to do this. Sometimes I think I have so little confidence it is just easier to be a fat girl, because then you can just be the fat girl. Sometimes I think I am afraid to be me, the real me.
I will need help to do what I plan on doing from a psychological level, and I am going to investigate different therapies available to me. I have some goals to set for 2011.

1. Lose 50lbs by July for Summer Holidays.

2. To not feel self conscious about myself or my body in any circumstance.

3. Lose 75lbs before December 25th 2011.

4. Buy a size 12 dress and wear it on Christmas Day.

5. To practise Pilates three times a week.

6. To practise meditative Yoga three times a week.

7. To finish my novel and get a book deal.

8. To have my business well established and making good money.

9. Respect myself and value myself.

10. Be a positive person with a Positive mentality towards myself and others.

I have some research to do.. OMG :))

I have to change my life around...

By writing this blog I hope to face my demons head on and work on them one by one. Ok, so we have established that I am a compulsive eater with poor body image and zero self confidence. As i have already mentioned I have done every diet known to man, and while I might succeed for a short time, I need a long term solution to my weight problem so I can start living my life to the fullest and start giving back to those around me, something I feel that I have never done, as my weight has always held me back from even the smallest things like going shopping with my Mum or bringing my Dad to Mass. I always feel like if I go somewhere and someone sees me I will be an embarrassment to them because of my size. Now I am sure you are wondering what size I am. I am 220 lbs and 5 foot 6. I have a bmi of 35. I hope to lose a little over a third of my total body weight and my goal weight is 140 lbs. I am suffering from prolapsed disks in my back because of a car crash I was in a few years ago and it was since then that my weight has really sky rocketed this time. And I feel that I am not doing what a normal 30 year old woman should be doing. I do not have any pastimes as such, I have alienated myself from all of my friends as I am so ashamed of my size and I no longer go out for a drink or even to lunch. I would love to be able to wake up in the morning and be happy with what I see in the mirror. Throw on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and do and go to where ever I want that day without feeling anxious or nervous. It's not too much to ask! So I am going to have lap band surgery and hopefully regain my lost years and self confidence. Are you on a diet? Are you considering lap band surgery? Or are you struggling with self confidence and self belief the same as I am? Whatever your story, please get in touch, leave a comment or say hello. I would love to hear from others about their journey to find themselves :)