What a relief to be finally on my path to success!!

Ola people!! I have had a fairly uneventful first day on my pre-op, but I made an alarming discovery this morning :( Ok, so you know the way you have your "fat jeans" hanging in the wardrobe right? Well I have many of them, but I pulled out one pair to throw on me this morning to run to the shops and I swear, they wouldnt even go past my HIPS!!! I couldnt believe it.. like these were a pair of jeans that even at my heaviest the LAST time would always fit me. So apparently I am NOW at the heaviest I have ever been :( I was in shock.
So I weighed myself and I am 215 lbs. 31/01/11. Last time I am ever going to be that weight I can garauntee you that much! My Goal is to lose 75lbs, and I am setting myself  a date of July 1st, which gives me six months from tomorrow. Now I know that this seems very quick, I am aiming for a 3lb loss per week. Maybe a little unrealistic but If i need to move the goal posts then I am willing to that, once I see what my progress is like.
I had a Low fat protein shake for breakfast which I made with Vanilla soya milk
.https://www.foreverliving.com/retail/entry/Shop.do?store=IRL&distribID=200002397632&language=en&gclid=CI60qLHBjaQCFQlbiAodSFkqOw
Now I am not promoting these products or anything it just happen'd that i bought some of their low carb rotein shakes in vanilla and they are quite pleasant tasting so I am giving them a whirl to see what results I get, I will keep you posted.
And then I had a chicken salad for lunch and I am going to have another shake for supper. I still feel really bloated and I did not drink enough water today but I am going to try and do that tomorrow, which will be difficult as I am going on a journey tomorrow and I will have to keep peeing.
I bought some lovely fat free yogurts to snack on and some sugar free hard sweets to suck when I need something sweet so I will let you know how I get on with those.
I gotta run folks Il touch base tomorrow ok xx

Mourning the loss of a dear friend.

Hi guys, I had to come on here and tell you all that tonight I ate the last of the worst foods that has made me fat, unhappy, unhealthy, and miserable. Tomorrow I start my pre-op diet and I am getting my band in 16 days time. I am very positive about it now.I am like "yes, I am being banded, I am going to change my life around, and I am going to svelte sexy and confident. I am READY to do this!!
I bought some celeriac today and I am going to make some healthy soups, i got some fat free yogurt for snacking and maybe for breakfast too with some berries and a banana for breakfast. I aim to drink at least two ltrs of water a day, and have baked potatoes and low fat fillings in them with salads, salads and more salads. I will touch base tomorrow lads. and let you know what I am eating and how I am feeling.
Love and fat kisses xxx

What if the fat girl within still wants the bad stuff...???

Hi everyone, I am sorry I havent blogged in ages but I have been busy.. I am really looking forward to my operation, the 15th of Feb (WOOOOOHOO!!!)  and I am starting my low fat diet to shrink my liver on the 1st of Feb,,  so I got like one more week to indulge in all my favorite foods. And boy am I gonna enjoy them!! Im going to get my Mum to make me some of her home made brown bread, and when its straight out of the oven, I am going to slather it in real butter and make love to that bread like its never been loved before LOL !! I have grown up with my Mums Brown bread since I was little, its a family tradition (you know us Irish and our Mums brown Bread!!) So that and I think I am going to make a lasagne maybe, steak, all the good stuff. I have been reading up on Fruit and veg juices ( i have a juicer lurking in the back of my cuppard!!) and its going to be used ALOT, I plan on being very healthy with my food choices, but then again, I have always had these great plans and none of them ever lasted long.. hence I'm a fatty!!
I am hoping and praying I dont start cheating the band and not  making it work for me.. I will be soo depressed.
I really want this to be the start of a new life for me and I am aiming to look somewhere like Jennifer Aniston or Cameron Diaz. Big dreams, but these are my dreams, and they are precious to me. I am also planning to get some moles removed from my face (i hate them!!) and I am also going to get my Rosacea treated. It is not bad but I have very rosie cheeks that I hate. So all in all, I know what I want, I know its going to be a battle, it will be the battle of my life, but that is exactly it. I am FIGHTING for my life, and theres no going back now!!

Good eating, bad mood day ;(

I think I am just trying to mentally get myself through the next 33 days until I get my lap band. I don't seem to really want to deal with anything, even normal day to day stuff seems a huge chore to be honest!! I got up late today, did some housework and just had a really lazy day watching tv until I went to bed tonight. I really am not eating much but I feel I need to get into some sort of routine and a positive frame of mind... It almost as if I have just checked out of reality today. Hope tomorrow will be better.. Fat kisses xx

35 DAYS TO GO TO MY OP!!

Hi everyone, I am sitting in bed (my hubby to be is snoring away here beside me.. bless!) and I decided to drop a few lines to say hello. I am really enjoying being able to express my thoughts about this life change that I am undertaking, and I would like to thank you all for your support.
Today I began to reflect on people in my past who are no longer part of my life. I will admit I have cut myself out of my old social circle due to my low self esteem and my weight. I do not want to socialise in my home town and have people looking at me and saying "Jeeeez,,, did you see how much weight she has put on..?!!" etc. A lot of my "friends" really were not friends to me at all, especially at times when I needed them most. My weight has had a devastating affect on me, my life, my social life, and the way I partake in my own family life. I shy away from meeting people and I have the feeling that my parents were always slightly embarrassed by my size. This is not a good feeling :(
  I was really good friends with a girl who moved over to Ireland when we were in 3rd class, she was English and we were like sisters. We were stuck together like glue, sleeping over in my house or hers, or vice versa. When we grew up, I did a very prestigious course for the travel industry, but my friends parents would not pay for her to do it even though she begged them. She decided to move to New York with another friend of ours. I got a good job in the travel industry and was very happy, although I really wanted to go with them when they went. She came home after a few months and came to stay with me in my apartment. I offered to help her get a job where I was working, so I did her CV for her, lent her a suit, told her what to say and how to act. I gave her CV to a friend of mine who was recruiting for an airline. She got the job and moved in with some other trollie dollies (air stewards) and we began to lose touch as she found new friends.
 I began dating a guy, and when I met one of his friends on a night out, I knew instantly that he would be perfect for her so I introduced them. They hit it off immediately and after a year they travelled around the world together. Was I jealous? definitely.
I got a few emails off her but not much more, even though my dad had been very sick at the time with cancer. When she came home,  I got an invitation to their engagement party. I didn't go. I just thought "F*ck you. You were never there for me when i needed you, and you never once made time for me when you came home" She never bothered getting in touch with me after that, and when they recently married in Sardinia this year, I never got an invite.
I was shopping with my Mother one day recently and they were passing me on the street. She saw me, I know she did, but she just whispered to her fiance and turned her head. I was so mad I nearly got sick.
There are plenty of story's like that I could tell but I won't. I have been let down by friends I thought were friends for life. I did everything for her. Now I am crumbling away, my weight is holding me back BUT I am excited because this is my time to shine. To get back out there and live a wonderful life and not worry about the "whispers".
I am TAKING my life BACK. I will be able wear sexy clothes (not just tracksuits and leggings) and I will be able to show all my haters and doubters that they missed out on a great friend. And I will be able to make more, with my new found confidence ;)

Deposit paid.. just booking my flights. OMG!!!

Just paid my money by International Money transfer from Ireland to Belgium, It normally takes three days ( I did not know that!!) Nor did I know that it was 25 euro to send it (bank charges.. duh I should have known..!) So I lodged 275 euro into my account and it was transferred from there.
I had a very bad experience some time last summer when I originally decided to get a band. I had a consultation with a Hungarian based clinic in Dublin, called "Haven Cosmetics". I went to the consultation (which was in a private house in Sandymount, alarm bells anyone?!) and met with this horrible sweaty man who claimed to be an anaesthetist. It was going to be 8000 euro for the operation, payable in advance to his account. He showed me amazing before and after pictures of previous patients. I was so desperate I decided to go for it. Two days later myself and my other half went to the Bank at Trinity in Dublin to lodge the money. As i stood in line with the lodgement slip completed I began to feel weak and faint. I got to the desk and handed the girl the money. Just as she was about to hit the send button I knew it was a wrong decision. "STOP!" I screamed at her.. the whole bank came to standstill and security jumped to attention. "Sorry, I mean, I made a mistake. I don't want to lodge to that account..." She looked at me as if I had just morphed into an alien. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I couldn't catch my breath. (I probably did look like an alien I'm pretty freaky looking when I cry!) My fiance led me out of the bank that day, delighted I didn't do it. Three weeks later the news broke that the so-called surgeon was in fact a bit of a butcher and had left people badly injured and without any aftercare at all. Somebody was watching over me that day in June 2010, and I am very thankful for that. Today was completely different. I strode into the bank full of confidence, really excited, and apart from having to fill in THREE (yes, THREE!) lodgement slips, everything went according to plan. Not a tear or a wobble in sight :)  BELGIUM HERE I COME!!

Pretend you're perfect and smile..?

Hi everyone, just touching base with you all. Very down in the dumps today, not having a good day at all. Definitely eating less, hopefully that will be reflected on the scales this Saterday! I am just about to go and pay my deposit of 250 euro to Dr Chris so I am quite excited about that, I still cannot believe that I am actually having surgery to overcome my weight issues and that I don't have the self control to do it by myself. I am feeling very disappointed and really sad about that.. I don't how I got to this stage. Does anyone else out there that got a lap band feel like this? I am just going to have to accept in my mind that this is what I have to do, and get on with it but I am finding it hard, I have to admit. I had opened a Twitter account to be able to tweet my progress, but I just checked it and I had already been tracked down by my sister-in-law and was being cyber stalked so I had to close it. It is unfortunate that I feel I have to hide what I am doing but that is just the way it is in my family. Never admit your failures and never highlight your imperfections. Just get on with it. Pretend you're perfect and smile. I can feel my new years resolution of being more positive slipping through my fingers as I type but seriously, do any of you ever just get sick of trying to please everyone else ALL the bloody time??
I have filled in my pre-op questionnaire and emailed it back to Dr Chris, so fingers crossed there will not be an issue with the pain medication I am on for my back. Does anyone know of a good liquid painkiller available in Ireland? I'm going to google it.. Il get back to you later ok ;) Fond Fatties Forever xx

Down 4.8lb!!

Hi everyone, I haven't been on here in  few days as I have been readjusting to being back in my own house again after the Christmas. And it is good to be home I  have to say, I have a sh*t load to do around here, We are still not completely unpacked and we have a lot of sorting out to do. The good news is that I am down 4.8lbs, I weighed myself on Saterday morning (albeit dying of a hangover.. again) and I was amazed, I thought they were broken but nope, I weighed again and they said the same thing!! Wowzers. And to be honest, I didn't even kill myself trying tbh. Maybe it was just fluid or something, so I am just going to keep up what I am doing and hope it wasn't.
I am actually worried that if I lose some weight my surgeon wont do the op for me when I get there as I am still only borderline "big" enough, (although I feel and look like a complete heifer and my health is in ruins..) so Im hoping that wont be an issue.  I have decided to throw a party on the 29th of January, because I am 31 in early February, and I am starting my pre-op diet on the 1st of February so I am going to enjoy my final fling as a fat girl and that will be the last time all my nearest and dearest will see me unbanded (not that they will know when I am anyways but I will!!) and then hopefully by the time they see me again I will have shrunk into this pixie-like vixen with a slender waist and an ass you would die for. ( I am trying not to get too carried away here ok but just go with it LOL)
I am also happy to report that my sex drive HAS increased some what (if this is TMI please, just let me know, but this is all part of my transformation folks so I am here to share!!) and we rocked it this morning ;)
I am still worried about my new business that I am trying to get sorted at the moment, and money matters ARE an issue at the moment, but I am determined that I am still going ahead with my op and putting myself first this time. I have to get my deposit paid my the 13th of January so I must get to the bank asap and get that sorted.
I have a feeling that something bad is about to happen, I don't know why I feel this, maybe it is just my paranoia setting in, I do suffer from it, but I don't know.. I don't know if it is the life change I am going through or the pressure I am under financially and the new business etc,but it is there and I don't like that feeling. Just going to have to ride it out and see if it my instinct or just paranoia. We will have to wait and see.
I hope you are all getting on with your new years goal and enjoying the new year, It is a great time to wipe the slate clean and start again. I guess I will talk to you all tomorrow as I am going to try and get some sleep right now.. Fat Friends United Forever :)) Talk soon xxx

I lost my dog..

I cant sleep, its 4.01 in the morning and I am as bright as a god damn button :( I got up to get a drink, do a blog and the dog needed a pee so I let him out... that was nearly an hour ago and he is not back yet..?!! My Dad will kill me if he is gone missing, OMG. Well I aint going looking for him so he is on his own and he knows where the  house is (I hope!) Im still feeling a bit like two pounds of dirt in a one pound bag and I am racking my brain to try and figure out what is wrong with me. What did I eat today that would make me feel so bad? I had a slice of wholemeal toast for my breakfast, and a small bowl of Weetabix minis (way too sweet wont be having them again btw..) and then I had an orange for a snack, and my dinner, which was chicken, a bit of mash and some mashed parsnips and carrots. Not TOO bad eh?? Ok. Then I had maybe two chocolates and a cup of tea later on and a chocolate or three before I went to bed. Ok.. THAT was a bit bad. But overall? Not my worst day tbh. SO I don't know why I am so sick. Might take a trip to the Dr's. I am a bit pissed with myself because I have not been drinking my water and I am finding it hard to drink it even when I try because I feel really stuffed and bloated all the time so it just sits in my tummy. And no, I have not done ANY exercise. Why? Because I am so god damn lazy. Period. And because exercise makes me feel like a big huffing puffing sweaty heap of dung. It's funny though, I was in bed tonight and thinking.. Wow. If I lost all the weight I could be a personal trainer!! How much more do you want in a trainer than someone who has been a former fattie themselves? Knowing how much you hate exercise? Knowing what buttons to press to make you work out? I would go to a former fattie personal trainer.
I just cant see myself as one of those "fitness fanatics" as much as I try to. I hope this changes for me, because I want to be healthy, I want to be fit and I want to live a long life and have loads of kids (the clocks a-ticking!) but I know i need the Lap band to help me. I cannot do it on my own AGAIN.
Oh, I got some fat free sorbet in Lydls tonight for all the ice cream demons out there, it is really nice and I am sure I will be eating bloody bucket loads of it when I have my band :))
Ok, I am signing off now. I hope I can sleep I hate being up all night and wrecked all day.
Thank you all for listening to my late night ramblings (the dog is back btw!!) and I will talk to you all tomorrow. Fat kisses xxxx

God I feel like crap..

Howdy all, not much to report today, I was very good all day but I still fell very bloated and tired. I am hoping it is only a mixture of being this fat and the painkillers I am taking for my back ( I have been out of my head for weeks!!) and not anything else more serious. I have a huge day ahead of me tomorrow, loads to do, places to go, bills to pay.. same old same old. Wonder if my life will transform beyond recognition once I is a skinny bitch?!! Well it might, but my bills will still have to be paid and my house will still have to be cleaned :( SO I will touch base again tomorrow and say hello. Happy fat fighting ;)

Late night danger time.. How did I do?!

Hi everyone! I said earlier that I would let you know how I got this evening. Well I am about to hit the hay so I know I am done eating for the day. After my dinner and one small TINY piece of dark chocolate, I got hungry about four hours later and I had a cup of Horlicks (pictured below) made on one cup of skim milk and another two tiny pieces of dark chocolate..(pictured beside the Horlicks!) and I put a small teaspoon of sugar in it :( I know, its alot of sugar for an evening but normally I would have eaten a whole bar of chocolate (family sized..) and maybe had some toast, some pate, whatever was at hand. Then after about another two hours I needed something in my tummy again after the painkillers I took for my back So I had another cup of Horlicks, on skim milk with a small teaspoon of sugar.  I am trying to keep myself just happily sustained and not have an all out blow out like I normally would, and I feel that I have done quite well so I am happy with myself today :)
I feel happy that I ate my dinner out of my one cup pot and felt full after it, and I am happy that I did not binge later this evening and make a little pig out of myself. I have to start drinking my water and incorporating more fruit, veg and less sugar and carbs. As I say, tomorrow is another day, and I will try and focus on that tomorrow.I have to try and get some exercise too so tomorrow I am going to go to the park..

I think I am trying to FOCUS on myself at the moment, and listen to my body. I hope you all had a good day today and that you are all looking forward to us all getting skinny and healthy in the year ahead. Here's my Horlicks as promised! And that is the chocolate beside it.. see? TINY!! LOL

Today was a good day..

Hi everyone :) I think I have done ok today. I have not yet complied with all of my list yet but today I had a breakthrough mentally. I got up and had a cup of tea (I need my tea in the mornings!) and I had two slices of light toast (Nimble bread, 48 cals per slice and nearly 3g of protein) and two cheese triangles on it. (approx 50 cals and 2g of protein) So that was 180 cals and 10 g of protein for my brekkie. Then I wasn't hungry until much later but when I did get hungry I had two satsumas and they were LOVELY!! So sweet, just hit the spot. Then I decided to eat my dinner out of a one cup pot, just to see what it would feel like.. And you know what? It FILLED me. I had enough. I didnt want anymore after I was finished. I will show you the cup measures I have bought, I put an Actimel beside them just to show what size these little fellows are ok ;)

 This picture is the Curry I had for dinner, I dont usually eat "ready made" food but this is definitely one of the better ones on the market here in Ireland and it has about 320 cals and 24g of protein in the whole pot, but thanks to my one cup pot ( I think I am going to call it Cuppy!) I did not eat all of that. I made basmati rice mix through with it and I dont I dont think it was a good idea, I would have preferred it to be a more protein based meal. (Tomorrows another day!!) The only thing was I was longing for something sweet after it, so after analysing my craving, I decided to have on TINY piece of dark chocolate and I was happy.. So all in all, good day all around SO FAR.
The evenings are my "bold times".. so fingers crossed I can control myself this evening. I will probably have a nice cup of Horlicks, which has loads of good stuff in it and will satisfy a sweet tooth made on skim milk and that will be it. Hopefully. Il blog a bit more later and let you know If Iv been good ;)
Ok, chat later fellow fat fighters, may the force be with you!!

Ok Here are the FINAL dates for my Surgery to make me a SKINNY BITCH :)

I am getting banded in Belgium, by a Dr called Christaan DeBruyn on the 15th of February and he is meant to be the best bariatric surgeon in Europe. He also does surgery here in Ireland, but it is 7,000 euro.. and I can go to him in Belgium and get it done for 4,100 euro. My flights will cost an extra 200 euro, and as a treat for me and my wonderful fiance (awwww, I cant tell you how much I love him..!) We are going to be staying in The Sheraton and staying a few extra nights. I am really happy and over the moon. :) The rooms are lovely and the beds are super comfy, so we can just hang out, watch a few films, and generally just chill out. We were really meant to stay in a different hotel but we decided to go for a bit of luxury.. So I will be flying out from Ireland on the 14th (valentines day!!) and then the next day is SCARY day lol

Is that WHY I am fat? OMG!!

Ok. You know yourself, you have done ALL the diets known to man, struggled to "stick" to them, vowed that this year (every year) would be "my" year, bought the protein shakes, joined the slimming classes, swallowed the diet pills, lived on soup for a week or two, and failing all that you have also tried pure starvation, right?? Yep I thought so. So have I. And guess what? I am FATTER now than when I began my whirlwind romance with diets and weight loss programmes. WHY? Well I think I have just cracked it..
I have figured out that I am an "emotional eater". I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad. My favorite pastime and guilty pleasure (and this is no lie!) is eating junk food while reading my newest diet book. I kid you not!
I have been in the most honest relationship of my life for the last two and a half years. I have never known someone as well as I know my Fiance, and he is the same (or.. so he likes to tell me!). But the one thing that is really an issue is when he does something that annoys me, I cannot bring myself to say it, and I just let it fester inside me until i explode over something silly. (Now don't get me wrong, he does stupid stuff too, all the time, but I forgive him, because he is only human after all.) But it really annoys him and rightly so, it's like I just REFUSE to express myself.. and inevitably I end up eating.
This last week has been a very interesting, but draining few days, as I am staying with my Mum while my Dad is away. I mean, I love my Mum to bits, she is my hero, but it has only highlighted my issues with food, and also my emotional instability at the moment. I can normally just eat or snack when I am angry/sad/frustrated/stressed/tired but here, in my Mums house, under her watchful eye, I cant. I have started crying for no reason, been inexplicably hormonal, extremely depressed, and the lowest I have been in years.
I am wondering am I feeling these feelings because I normally repress them with food?
I also have a situation with my older sister, and that causes me a lot of stress, and I have huge self confidence dips when she is around, particularly when she is with my Mum. I feel like they are constantly talking about me, judging me, pitying me, worrying about me. I don't want anything to do with her ( it is a long story) but I only talk to her for my Mum and Dads sake.
So what do I do? How do I deal with this problem? I do not talk to my parents about stuff like this because I feel that at their age they do not need it and it is selfish of me to look for this type of attention. Maybe this is the root of my problem that I feel I cannot talk to them. I have it as long as I can remember. SO I am going to have to do some research, find something to help me with this.
That has been a load of my chest I must say.. at least I feel I can talk to you :)

I didnt even get over the first day,, or did I??

I have already blogged here today but I had to come back and and say how the rest of my day went. It hasn't been as good as I had hoped. it all went a bit tits up (excuse the expression) after I took some pain medication for my back. It nearly tore the stomach out of me, I got really nauseous and I ended vomiting after I began to drink my water. I had a really sour stomach and I was just so ill. After a while I was absolutely STARVING and I I had to get something in my stomach and fast.. so I had FIVE Weetabix. With full fat milk. It kind of settled my stomach but then I got the heart burn.. really bad. I took some Gaviscon and eventually it went. But then I had to go and have a packet of crisps and some whole nut chocolate... ???? WHY?? WHY can I NOT stop putting crap  in my mouth? If I totted up my calories for the day I don't know how much I have consumed or whatever, but because my day was not structured, I don't feel like it was a success. So what am I going to do? I am going to start again tomorrow, and even if my scales reads ONE lb down next Saturday? I will have won this round. So No, I am not giving in, I am only getting started!!

The First Day, the first battle..

Hi everyone!! Ok, so game on. Today is the first of January 2011 and this is the year that I will become a Skinny Bitch :) As you know, I am having lap band surgery in February but I am channeling a healthier frame of mind and starting to train myself to make the right food choices until then. So today,  I slept very late as I was up driving everyone home after the celebrations last night and didnt get to bed until 5am. So my mum brought me tea and toast in bed this morning and I ate it.. it was wholemeal brown bread, low fat spread and I think there was sugar in my tea. Not the amazing start i had hoped for but it could have been worse! I then went back to sleep and slept until 15.30. I was wrecked after the late night and the Christmas festivities, so I think that was ok. Then I got up when my brother came over and hauled me out of bed. I had another cup of tea and an Actimel with my painkillers I had to take for my back. Then I made a Chicken Salad for Dinner..   Pictured here on the right. It was very tasty I have to say. Lettuce, radishes, mixed peppers and red onion, with a little low fat dressing and coleslaw mixed with a tiny touch of mustard was topped with chicken breast fried in  a tiny drop of olive oil.
Ok I didn't know how much protein there is in it and I didn't count calories, but it is low carb and fairly low fat.
Maybe I could have done a bit better but I am going to praise myself for making the effort!! Rome was not built in  a day you know ;)
Yesterday I set out a list of things I need to do every day to change my life. I dont think I achieved all of them today but I did try. Tomorrow I will try harder. I weighed myself today and I weighed in at 15 stone 5 lbs, which is 215 lbs. My goal is 140. I will weigh myself every Saterday and track my weight loss as I go on my tracker. How did you think I did today? What would you have done differently? Please leave me your comments I would be most grateful :) Tomorrow is a new day and it will be a better diet day than today. Every day I will improve and eventually be able to answer "Yes" to all of my checklist of new habits below. Until then, fellow fat fighters, be good, and take care ;)