New Year... New Me!

Ok so this is New Years Eve and unfortunately my Dad got some really bad news about my Uncle last night, who is very sick, and he had to go to be with his brothers family. So that leaves me with Mummy dearest and the ends of a disgusting hangover I acquired last night.  My Other Half was expecting friends to come up from the City and ring in the new year and I was overjoyed (I know, I'm a cow!) to hear that they couldn't make it. (They have a three year old girl and she is a rude spoilt little brat!)
Now don't get me wrong, I would not be going out anyway in my current state of overindulged bloatedness. Oh no, I am staying in. But next New Years Eve will be the unveiling of "Gilly the Goddess".. ;) So starting tomorrow morning it is "Operation Skinny Bitch". The first day of the transformation. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and this will be my starting point. (I may have to reset my ticker.. ahem.. lol!) and my goal is 140 lbs. For the time until my surgery I am going to be concentrating on my fitness, and I am giving up smoking and drinking. I have devised an eating plan which goes as follows :

Three meals and three snacks a day. 1500 calories. 60-100g of protein per day.
One multi vitamin and at least 2 litres of water per day.
At least 2 servings of Calcium per day.
I want to begin each meal with a piece of fruit (it is better for your digestion and it will whet my appetite.
Each meal will contain a protein, and two veg portions.
Carbs will only be eaten at either Breakfast or Lunch but never at Dinner.
Three snacks will contain 100 calories each and be protein based.
1200 calories will be split between my other three meals.
I will only eat sitting at a table and with a knife and fork.
I will allocate 30 mins to eat a meal, more if necessary.
I will chew my food until it is liquidated in my mouth before I swallow it (in practising for my band).
I will keep a food journal and write down everything I put into my mouth and why.
I know this is well and good on paper and if I could adhere to all these things I would have no need for a band, but I must start to TRY. It is the LACK of trying that is killing me..
Ok for the psychological side of things, I have to do a bit more research. This is as much an emotional change as a physical one, and I want a happy, fit mind to go with my healthy, happy body.
I realise the importance for physical activity and I hereby commit at least one hour a day to go for a walk, or do some other physical activity. I want to start Yoga and Pilates and also start meditation.

Well.. here go's nothing, only a third of my overall body weight :))

Is that what people really think when they look at me??

Ok. I seem to have been on a constant whinge-fest since i started this blog but I am just venting my frustrations at how people view, and treat people who have a weight problem. I woke up this morning excited about my older brother and sister-in-law coming to stay with us for a few days. I have to say, out of all my sister's in law she is my favourite and I always have great time for her. So after dinner I told her i had bought my wedding dress ( I am getting married in 2012!) and I showed it to her. Now the dress I bought is a US size 10 and I am currently wearing a UK size 18-20, so DUH I know it dose not fit... But IT WILL by the time the wedding comes. So she looked at it, looked at me and said "Jeez, you have a lot of work to do!". DUH (again!) so then she proceeded to sit beside me all evening and tell me rather loudly how fabulous I could be if I lost weight, and did I remember my 21st? (9 years ago, I was a skinny bitch.. of course I remember..!)
Then she said "Imagine, everyone will be thinking you are going to be huge and not really great in your dress, and then when you turn up you will have lost all the weight and you will be fabulous!!".. I didn't know what to say to be honest, but it just reinforced in my mind what they all must think when they look at me. I always tried to convince myself that at least my family could see me for me, but apparently not. They just see a fat floundering woman who cant get her shit together and stop filling her face.
I wouldn't mind but this woman is no skinny minny herself, she is a good 16-18. Maybe she was saying it out of concern, but it didn't come across like that. I have really come to the stage where I feel I am a spectacle and instead of getting the support I need from my family I am getting negativity and hurt.
I cant wait to see the look on their faces when I lose all my weight and KEEP IT OFF FOR GOOD :)
Night night fellow bandsters, may all your dreams come true and may your lives be filled with happiness ;)

My last Christmas as an unbanded diner!!

Howdy folks, I hope you all had an amazing Christmas! Our day was really quiet, myself and my other half woke up around ten and had some breakfast. Well, he had some breakfast (a typical Irish breakfast of sausages, rashers, eggs, toast etc!) and I decided to have a glass of Bucks Fizz. Bad idea after taking two painkillers for my bad back on an empty stomach... So after I had vomited I decided i really had to stop being so STUPID and doing stuff like that ( I'm  in my thirty's right?!) so I had a slice of toast and after an hour or two I could take some more painkillers. (I am not a junkie don't get me wrong, but unless I have painkillers for my back at the moment I cannot walk around. This is another reason I need to get this surgery, and fast. For every lb you are over weight it adds three lb's of pressure to EACH of your disks.) So by the time dinner was served my appetite was not the best and I struggled through half of my dinner and felt bad after Mum had spent so long cooking it.
Then I began to wonder, do I eat to please people or because I do not want to offend by refusing? How many times did I really not NEED something to eat and ate it anyways because I didn't want to offend someone who had prepared it? When did I stop listening to my body and just ate because society tells us we should be eating? (three meals a day etc..) I know from when I have lost weight previously that I need to eat SO LITTLE to shift the pounds, it was unsustainable without an aid. And there is no way I could lose it by eating three "normal sized" meals a day. I must have the metabolism of a slug!! I calculated my Basic Metabolic Rate before ( the least amount of calories it takes my body to rest and support organ function) and it was 1650. If I get a band fitted I will only be able to take in between 800 and 1200 a day (although it differs for everyone) so I a just wondering... "Who is telling me lies?" Really, if these calculations are correct, does that mean that if I get a band that eventually my organs will fail from lack of nutrition? and if so, how come people have been banded for years and live perfectly healthy lives? The mind boggles.  I would love somebody to answer my question, because it throws into question everything we are thought about nutrition from an early age. So today is St Stephens Day and I woke up feeling a little groggy and my back was a bit sore. So I took an anti-inflammatory and a pain killer and all I ate today was some toast and a few chocolates. What poor nutrition.. I really a looking forward to changing my ways. I am making some turkey soup though which will be nice and nutritious so I will have some later. Normally I would like a few drinks over the Christmas but this year it is different. I don't feel well enough to have a drink if that  makes sense, and it is all because I feel so tired and heavy. Carrying this weight is not doing me any good. I feel really awkward this Christmas even around my family because I feel like they are all looking at me with pity, and it's so annoying. I  
want to have my banded fitted and get my life back, and stop being this big pathetic mess. Roll on the 28th Of January!!

Christmas food.. Yay or Nay?!!

Ok so today is Christmas eve, and I would normally be working up until late but this year as I am off with my back, I am having a lie on before I get up. My "Other half" is cooking the ham for tomorrows dinner, something he has started doing every year since we met and now looks on as a sort of tradition which is nice. Considering he struggles with tea and toast the rest of the year around its a great achievement LOL :)
Now usually I have loads of energy around Christmas and I am really looking forward to it. But this year is different. I am not looking forward to my Christmas dinner and all the trimmings as I usually would be, and I think I have finally ate myself sick with food. Now I haven't been stuffing my face constantly everyday (well, a bit..) but I have been doing very little exercise and I and feeling bloated, heavy and tired. I am sick of feeling sick and tired. I am thirty years of age for gods sake. I should have bounced out of bed at eight O'clock this morning, made my other half some tea and toast, and snuck back to bed for some Christmas festivities of our own. But that was the last thing on my mind.. Ewww.. the thoughts of having sex right now is just too much to bear!! The whole energy thing, the motion sickness (?) everything. I have the sex drive of a cabbage. I fell like a ninety year old for gods sake!! I know my other half just knows I don't have any interest in anything at the moment but I am feeling really bad about it. That is another thing I must put on my goal list.

11. Recharge sex life and find my inner vixen once more.

Hmmm.. ok. Im going for a snooze. I might be back later but if I am not, Happy Christmas everyone, and Shawnee, thank you for your comment to day. It is brilliant to hear from you!! xoxoxoxox big hugs y'all xxx

The worst moments..

Everyone who struggles with their weight fights a public battle everyday. This can be humiliating, debilitating, and quietly destruct you as a human being. I have many memories of public humiliation that I have shelved so far back in my mind that I really have to delve deep to bring them back but when I do, they are still as raw and stinging as they were when they happened. I'm not talking about your typical "Getting stuck in the chair" story, but all of these stories, are, in a way, that exact story, just a different circumstance.
The first thing I can remember is one Christmas, at home. I was sitting down with all the family at table when my lovely sister turned around and announces that "there is no more stuffing, as SHE took too much, as per usual." I can remember getting up and running to my bedroom and crying tears of pure shame and frustration. I was five years old.
I can remember my mother buying me a packet of sweets one Sunday when we went to the park. I was about seven years old at the time. I was over the moon,( as even though I was a pudgy child, I really didn't eat that much crap, it was all good home made cooking, just a little too much of it.) She sat in the front of the car and stuck her hand back over her shoulder for a sweet. I handed her one. She ate it. She stuck her hand back again for one. I gave her one. She ate that too. As I tried to get one into my own mouth, my mothers hand came back again for a sweet. I handed her another one. I could feel the anger welling up inside me. She knew I never got sweets, and I knew she didn't have a sweet tooth. She was eating them so I couldn't. I took the bag and handed her the bag. "Take them I don't want them" I said as I turned and looked out the window. I can still remember the feeling of confusion, anger and resentment.
I have often wondered why my relationship to food is so bad. I have to get to the bottom of this and heal the wounds that make me eat. If that makes sense.. That is how I feel.
I don't want to find someone to blame don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my lack of self discipline, but I would like to know why I developed such a dependence on food. It really is my drug of choice. Today I watched a documentary on  guy who weighed over 900 lbs, and his life coach explained something very true about food addiction. When you suffer from a drug addiction or a gambling addiction, you can just not do these things again and as long as you don't go near them you are succeeding. Well its different for food addicts because you MUST eat to survive.
It is really like being in a horrible self made prison, to which only I own the key. Do I have the courage to do what I need to do to change my life? To undergo surgery in a foreign country? To change my eating habits and eat for nutrition instead of boredom? To strip all of my horrible negative thoughts in my head away and replace them with good, positive affirmations? To believe in myself and believe I am a worthwhile person with as much to offer as anybody else? I hope so. Because if I must continue my life as I am now I am going to die having not lived my life. What, could be worse than wasting your entire life, as a slave to the Food trap?
I am going to do this. I absolutely have to do this. Sometimes I think I have so little confidence it is just easier to be a fat girl, because then you can just be the fat girl. Sometimes I think I am afraid to be me, the real me.
I will need help to do what I plan on doing from a psychological level, and I am going to investigate different therapies available to me. I have some goals to set for 2011.

1. Lose 50lbs by July for Summer Holidays.

2. To not feel self conscious about myself or my body in any circumstance.

3. Lose 75lbs before December 25th 2011.

4. Buy a size 12 dress and wear it on Christmas Day.

5. To practise Pilates three times a week.

6. To practise meditative Yoga three times a week.

7. To finish my novel and get a book deal.

8. To have my business well established and making good money.

9. Respect myself and value myself.

10. Be a positive person with a Positive mentality towards myself and others.

I have some research to do.. OMG :))

I have to change my life around...

By writing this blog I hope to face my demons head on and work on them one by one. Ok, so we have established that I am a compulsive eater with poor body image and zero self confidence. As i have already mentioned I have done every diet known to man, and while I might succeed for a short time, I need a long term solution to my weight problem so I can start living my life to the fullest and start giving back to those around me, something I feel that I have never done, as my weight has always held me back from even the smallest things like going shopping with my Mum or bringing my Dad to Mass. I always feel like if I go somewhere and someone sees me I will be an embarrassment to them because of my size. Now I am sure you are wondering what size I am. I am 220 lbs and 5 foot 6. I have a bmi of 35. I hope to lose a little over a third of my total body weight and my goal weight is 140 lbs. I am suffering from prolapsed disks in my back because of a car crash I was in a few years ago and it was since then that my weight has really sky rocketed this time. And I feel that I am not doing what a normal 30 year old woman should be doing. I do not have any pastimes as such, I have alienated myself from all of my friends as I am so ashamed of my size and I no longer go out for a drink or even to lunch. I would love to be able to wake up in the morning and be happy with what I see in the mirror. Throw on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and do and go to where ever I want that day without feeling anxious or nervous. It's not too much to ask! So I am going to have lap band surgery and hopefully regain my lost years and self confidence. Are you on a diet? Are you considering lap band surgery? Or are you struggling with self confidence and self belief the same as I am? Whatever your story, please get in touch, leave a comment or say hello. I would love to hear from others about their journey to find themselves :)

Where did it all go wrong?!

Hi there, I am beginning this blog to share with you my journey to happiness. I am nervous, anxious, excited and optimistic. I am trying to push all the negativity that has been programmed into my brain over all these years away, and reprogramming my mind to a better, cleaner, more productive way of thinking.
I will first tell you a little about myself. I am 30 years old and I am the youngest of a large family. I am the annoying little sister they all had to bear growing up :) I love my family and my parents dearly, and I have 21 nieces and nephews. I have no children of my own, but I have two dogs and a fiance.
I always had a huge food influence in my life beginning with learning to cook with mum at an early age and finding that i had a real flair for flavors and ingredients. Every family occasion was based around food (and good food at that) and so I related food with happiness and celebration form an early age. My Mum has a wonderful figure after having so many kids and at the age 76 i believe she is only becoming more beautiful with age. She is my best friend and soul mate, and very happy for me deciding to have a lap band fitted as she knows what an impact my weight is having on my life and my health, both physically and emotionally. It is only my mum and my fiance who will know about my WLS and they will be accompanying me to Belgium in January.
I have been overweight nearly all of my life and would never have been classed as a particularly pretty girl.I was badly bullied in school by a boy in my year who use to stand around me with a big bunch of his croonies in school and shout "SUMO" from the top of his lings and point at me. There was a point I wanted to die as I could not take anymore. He really destroyed my teenage years and all of my self confidence. I went through an unfortunate phase around 12 years old and chopped my lovely long hair off and was constantly mistaken for a boy. I was always big apart from when I starved myself for my Debutante Ball in the final year in school, and then when I got gallstones. The weight literally fell off me, and for the first time in my life I was a skinny minny!! It was the best thing that ever happend to me and I would have them back any day!! I lost roughly 60lbs and after working abroad for the summer I had thighs you could crack nuts between. I was twenty one at the time, and all the girls who used to sneer at me in school for being big were gobsmacked when they saw me. However, of course, after a year or two all the weight piled back on and and another stone or so to put with it. I was very depressed and ashamed to say the least. After that I moved to the city and worked in the Airlines for many years. Airport food was not good for someone on a diet, and i popped on another bit.
I was in a very bad relationship at the time and turned to food for comfort. Chinese takeaways? Check. Indian takeaways? Check. Dominos Pizza? Check, check. Huge flabby arse, spare tire and no self-esteem? Check, check, check. So I went on Reductil and lost all of the weight again,( and that horrible boyfriend!)  only a little over three years ago. I lierally couldnt look at food. I lost nearly four stone to take me down to just over 11 stone or 154lbs. Not bad for my 5 foot 7 frame. Then, I met himself, my other half on holidays. After a brief courtship (Awwww!) We moved in together and indulged in all the romantic meals we cooked, the bottles of wine infront of the tele, our holidays abroad were just food fests and I have managed to reach an all time high of just over 15 stone. I was in a car crash two years ago and i messed up my back really bad in it, so my physical excercise has gone down to zilch. I do not socialise anymore as I am ashamed of my size, and my self esteem is zero, I am eating like a horse, and snacking, and eating chocolate and crisps, and I am ruining myself and my life.I have done all the diets before, weight watchers, south beach, atkins, you name it iv tried it. I can lose it again, but I WILL put it back on again, so I need a tool, such as the gastric band to help me. For anyone who thinks this is the easy way out, I cant tell you it certainly is not.
Even though a person gets a lap band they still have to diet and excercise, even more so after they get the band as they need to know they are getting enough protein, water, fibre, etc.
So I suppose you could say I was destined to always struggle with my weight but I have now decided to do something about it, It is drastic action to go under general anesthetic and I am paying 4,500 for it, but I will end up leading a miserable life If I do not do this now. Please subscribe to my blog and leave your comments, thay are all welcome. I would love to meet new friends who have made the same journey as I am embarking on, or who are just starting out like I am, We can help each other!!