The worst moments..

Everyone who struggles with their weight fights a public battle everyday. This can be humiliating, debilitating, and quietly destruct you as a human being. I have many memories of public humiliation that I have shelved so far back in my mind that I really have to delve deep to bring them back but when I do, they are still as raw and stinging as they were when they happened. I'm not talking about your typical "Getting stuck in the chair" story, but all of these stories, are, in a way, that exact story, just a different circumstance.
The first thing I can remember is one Christmas, at home. I was sitting down with all the family at table when my lovely sister turned around and announces that "there is no more stuffing, as SHE took too much, as per usual." I can remember getting up and running to my bedroom and crying tears of pure shame and frustration. I was five years old.
I can remember my mother buying me a packet of sweets one Sunday when we went to the park. I was about seven years old at the time. I was over the moon,( as even though I was a pudgy child, I really didn't eat that much crap, it was all good home made cooking, just a little too much of it.) She sat in the front of the car and stuck her hand back over her shoulder for a sweet. I handed her one. She ate it. She stuck her hand back again for one. I gave her one. She ate that too. As I tried to get one into my own mouth, my mothers hand came back again for a sweet. I handed her another one. I could feel the anger welling up inside me. She knew I never got sweets, and I knew she didn't have a sweet tooth. She was eating them so I couldn't. I took the bag and handed her the bag. "Take them I don't want them" I said as I turned and looked out the window. I can still remember the feeling of confusion, anger and resentment.
I have often wondered why my relationship to food is so bad. I have to get to the bottom of this and heal the wounds that make me eat. If that makes sense.. That is how I feel.
I don't want to find someone to blame don't get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my lack of self discipline, but I would like to know why I developed such a dependence on food. It really is my drug of choice. Today I watched a documentary on  guy who weighed over 900 lbs, and his life coach explained something very true about food addiction. When you suffer from a drug addiction or a gambling addiction, you can just not do these things again and as long as you don't go near them you are succeeding. Well its different for food addicts because you MUST eat to survive.
It is really like being in a horrible self made prison, to which only I own the key. Do I have the courage to do what I need to do to change my life? To undergo surgery in a foreign country? To change my eating habits and eat for nutrition instead of boredom? To strip all of my horrible negative thoughts in my head away and replace them with good, positive affirmations? To believe in myself and believe I am a worthwhile person with as much to offer as anybody else? I hope so. Because if I must continue my life as I am now I am going to die having not lived my life. What, could be worse than wasting your entire life, as a slave to the Food trap?
I am going to do this. I absolutely have to do this. Sometimes I think I have so little confidence it is just easier to be a fat girl, because then you can just be the fat girl. Sometimes I think I am afraid to be me, the real me.
I will need help to do what I plan on doing from a psychological level, and I am going to investigate different therapies available to me. I have some goals to set for 2011.

1. Lose 50lbs by July for Summer Holidays.

2. To not feel self conscious about myself or my body in any circumstance.

3. Lose 75lbs before December 25th 2011.

4. Buy a size 12 dress and wear it on Christmas Day.

5. To practise Pilates three times a week.

6. To practise meditative Yoga three times a week.

7. To finish my novel and get a book deal.

8. To have my business well established and making good money.

9. Respect myself and value myself.

10. Be a positive person with a Positive mentality towards myself and others.

I have some research to do.. OMG :))