49 lbs DOWN people!! 24 lbs TO GO!!!

Hi people, I am sorry I haven't been here in ages, but I actually got frustrated with my blog. Reading over and over again what I was "going to do" and never doing it, grew a bit old for me after a while. So I stopped blogging to try and stop embarrassing myself lol.. and guess what happen'd?? I lost 49lbs. It just dropped off!!! I had to go for many fills, every time I got a fill I would lose about 10lbs.. but the last time I went for a fill Frederik ( my insanely handsome surgeons aid) told my quite sternly that my 7cc band was actually .5 of a mil away from being full and that after that last fill I might only be able to get one more small fill and that would be it. You can imagine how freaked I was.. I had not lost NEARLY as much weight as I wanted to and after going through surgery, I began to feel like this was it. I was hitting the wall again. It wasn't going to happen this time either. He told me that to reach my goal weight I would HAVE to start exercising properly. I went home, a little bit freaked and a little bit determined I could turn this around. And do you know what? I did. That last fill was the fill that I needed to get my restriction. Everyone is different when it comes to this procedure, so if you have the band and you think you are failing, or it is going slower than you thought it would, breathe and refocus.
Now don't get me wrong.. I have also FINALLY changed my eating habits and my head is FINALLY thinking in smaller portions, but this is the one huge point that people considering this surgery need to recognize. This surgery will give you a smaller stoma, a smaller stomach and you WILL only be able to eat much less of what you ate before.. but it WILL NOT change your mind and how you think about food. Only YOU can do that. I still eat chocolate, I still drink wine. We still order Chinese or Indian every now or then. But NOW I only want maybe two squares of chocolate instead of two bars, and I will share ONE Chinese portion with my fiance.. without rice, or prawn crackers. I order Chicken Tandoori from the clay oven in the Indian, no rich creamy sauces or naan bread. I don't eat bread anymore anyway because it just fills me up and I need all the space I can get for my protein or veggies. Eggs are great, they are quick to make and are full of protein. I gave up sugar in my tea because it made me feel sick with the band. Crisps and chips don't go down either so I don't eat them anymore.. I always go for my protein first at a meal. There are some days that I really feel like I need to eat for nourishment and to try and get SOMETHING into me for breakfast I will have a cup of tea with my meal, it helps it go down. And so, here I am today. Iv lost 49lbs, I have achieved 66% of my goal, and I still have 8 weeks to go to my first year surgaversary ;) so maybe I will be down another bit by then. It has been the best thing I have ever done in my life and I would recommend to anyone. I ws reading back over earlier posts in this blog where I documented what Iate that day, and I was shocked. And that was when I was "watching what I ate"??? OMG. No wonder I needed a band. No sense of portion control at ALL!
This is only the beginning for me though to be honest, I never took those "before" pictures, because in my heart of hearts I never thought there would be an "after" picture. I didn't want to really let myself believe I could achieve this just in case I didn't and I had let myself down.. AGAIN. But now I can see how my body is changing and how good my clothes feel on me, and I want more. I want to lose that other 24lbs and I want to go THE WHOLE WAY, because now I think I can. No, sorry, NOW I KNOW I CAN!!! I want to get really fit and strong, toned and slightly muscular. I had the most amazing thing happen to me the other day, I bumped into this guy outside the vets office. we had a brief chat about the dogs etc and I thought he was a really nice genuine guy. As I drove off I saw his jeep with an advert on the side of it for personal training, and he only lives down the road from me. So I googled him and made an appointment. I am giving up the cigarettes in the new year t fund this so its all part of the plan. His site looks brilliant and he seems to be a bit of a genius.. second degree black belt in karate, personal trainer, martial arts expert and a diet and nutritionist to boot!! So hopefully, fingers crossed I can meet him and we can work together. This is where I am going now and this is how serious I am about it. Looking forward to the new year people and I will keep you all posted!!! ;) Fat kisses xxx

STILL no restriction :(

This is what I have been dreading, but I never thought it would really happen to me. I have no restriction even after my fill, and I am back to square one AGAIN. I cannot restrain myself from eating what I want, when I want it, and I am hoping that maybe after my next fill it will make a difference. I am also considering going for counselling to get to the root of my problem, and find out why food is my addiction and why I have this addiction. I am almost completely consumed by food, thinking about what I am going to eat next, when I am going to eat it, and always thinking of excuses to eat. I am also always thinking about "WHEN I lose the weight..." and I have out my whole life on hold waiting for that to happen, and I cannot afford to waste anymore of my time on it. Life is precious and should be lived. I am intelligent enough to realize all these things but when it comes down to it, food wins all the time. I weighed myself last night and I have out back on 5lbs of what I had lost, but then every scales I stand on say a different thing. I know I have not lost anything significant and I am returning to work after eleven months off with a back injury on Tuesday.. and I am frustrated and annoyed that I have not achieved more in my time off. I know it takes many bandsters up till their third or fourth fill to have restriction, so I haven't lost all hope in the band, but maybe in myself if anything.
Maybe therapy, counselling, or hypnosis will help me beat my demons..
On a positive note we have just moved house again and I am so loving my new surroundings, it is having a really positive affect on my moods (not that you would know reading this!) but I do believe that your surroundings have a direct impact on your health and moods, so I am happy about that. It is also just ten minutes from a lovely castle with huge grounds overlooking the Irish sea so I intend to walk there a lot.
I know I have blogged before about HOW I am going to change and what little changes I am going to make to achieve my results, but I have only ever stuck to them for a few days at a time and then I relapse. Its as frustrating and embarrassing for me as any situation could be to think that I do not possess the self discipline and will power to better myself in this way.   But I am going to be optimistic, because the day that I cannot be optimistic is the day I give up on myself and I will NEVER do that. SO a new house, new job (well same job but new start!) so a clean slate.. for me. I am going to AIM to :
1) Drink two litres of water a day.
2) Walk for on hour in the castle everyday.
3)Eat no more than 1000 cals a day and PLAN my meals.
4) Take my multi vitamin everyday.
5) Get at least 8 hours sleep every night.

There is a direct link to lack of sleep and obesity, as when you are tired you eat to compensate for your energy loss. Makes sense really!  I hope I can get back here next week and report some positive news. As today is Sunday, I am officially making Sunday my weigh in day. Today I weigh in at 207lbs.. My goal for next Sunday is to weigh in at 200lbs. I am going to try and walk during my lunch break at work with my ipod and hopefully little changes like that will make the difference. And to anyone out there who think that by getting a lapband is "the easy option", I would say, think again. It is by no means the easy route, and I have yet to prove that it will work for me.

My first fill!

I had my first fill  today, and it was a wonderful day out :)) I went up to Upper Pembroke Street, where Dr Chris De Bruyne holds his monthly aftercare class. There was a huge table in the waiting room and we all sat around swapping stories and experiences, it was great. Then I went in to see my surgeons aid and he was soooooo nice I could have stayed in there all day talking to him if had let me. I got a mole removed off my face (all part of the big transformation..!) and he was so nice, giving me advice about it and everything. Then he weighed me and told me that according to his scales I am down 15lbs since surgery.. but I dont know if I trust his scales to be honest, I like my own!! So it wasnt sore getting it done, just a bit uncomfortable when he was pushing on my port. I asked him how many cc's are in a helioast evolution band and he said that they had been tested up to 20mls, so it was just case of how much I needed in mine. So I am on liquids for two days now but I am going to try and do ten days, because I am returning to work after being off with a bad back for almost 11 months and I want to have lost a bit more before I go back. All in all I am happy with how it went and it definitely has renewed my ambition for success. I am really happy I got this done now, as for the last two weeks I have almost felt like it was pointless. Happy bunny all round :))

Have to stop thinking like a fat girl.

Hi-didly-Hi!! Ok, to day I dont think I had a great day, I had two scrambled eggs and a sausages for my breakfast, well chewd but i shouldnt have had it. Then for my dinner I had a tiny portion of meal, some mash potatos and cabbage. I had it all well mashed with white sauce and gravy, and it went down well. But it is my latenight picking that is KILLING me and it is getting me DOWN.
Tonight I had some Tuc crackers and some cream cheese and then I had a Twix. WTF??? What is wrong with me that I just cannot say NO. Then I had a cup of hot chocolate before I went to bed and it had a spoon of sugar in it. This not the way I wanted this to happen and I am sooooo mad with myself for making wrong choices.
Tomorrow is another brand new day and a brand new band day. today is gone. Tomorrow is yet to come. I have to make those choices and stick to the plan. It is only I can achieve this for myself.
I am getting married in June 23rd 2012, and I want to be 10 stone (140lbs) for my wedding. We are having a spectacular wedding in the Canarie Islands and I am planning the most luxurious venue and food.  I want everything to be perfect, I got this band in, to help me live the dreams I always had as a young girl growing up and being told I was chubby when I WASNT> But if the shoe fits wear it I thought to myself. The more my parents refused to give me sweets and treats, I craved them. I was in the tuck shop in school filling my face with all sorts of stuff and then they had no control over that and I piled on the weight. I was bullied in school by one boy, who used to roar " SUMO" down the corridor when I walked by. My self confidence shattered and to this day I struggle in social situations, Well I want that to STOP,  I want to walk into a room and turn heads. I want to wear trendy clothes and for once be seen as a "hotty". I plan on getting my teeth done in Turkey when I have lost all the weight, its 5000 euro for a full set of porcelain veneers over there and they are excellent dentists, my fiance's Aunty got hers done and they are beautiful.. compared to 25,000 euro over here I think its worth it!
I am annoyed the weight isn't coming off as quick as I want it to, so I am taking drastic steps to move it along.
1) One cup containers for all my meals,
2)low carb high protein.
3) 2 litres water per day.
4) skimmed milk at night with some splenda and low fat chocolate.
5? walking for at leaset on hour a day.
6) taking all my supplemets and vitamins.
7)Everything as low fat and sugar free as possible.
Please people feel free to leave your comments, its great to get feedback from you.
lOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING MY BLOG XXXXXXXXXXX

18 days post op, 12.8lbs down!!!

Hi people! I have been having a busy week so I am sorry I have not updated you recently on my progress. This new "active me" is a busy girl!! I have discovered some new foods that have really helped me on my journey that are available in Ireland (compared to all of the American foods suggested on some sites) and I have also moved on to the "mushys" until next Tuesday, although I am actually considering staying on them until next Friday to give myself an extra boost. I have been enjoying cheesy omelettes, two eggs and a tiny bit of butter and about a tablespoon of cheese and they have been going down a treat. There is approx 157 cals in two average eggs and about 14g of protein so it is a good choice for your mushys. I have also been enjoying soups, smoothies and yogurts, and I also found the crackers they gave us in the hospital before we left and these have been a great substitute for bread for me. They do them in Tescos and they are called Dutch crispbreads and they are in the lighter choices range. They are lovely with sugar free jam, light cheese spread or just even a little  low fat butter.
The other thing that has really helped me has been putting some cordial into my water and I have ended up drinking loads of water as it has added some flavour. My favorite is the Tesco Finest Elderflower and apple it is not sugar free but for the little drop you put in its worth it of you get your water down you!
I had my first meal out today, and I tried to make the best choice I could on the menu. I had Monkfish medallions in a chili cream sauce (they were lovely) and although it wasn't "mushy" I chewed it really well until it was. My biggest vice is STILL snacking in the evening, and although my water drinking has curbed it a little, I know this is my danger time still. I find I am never hungry in the mornings, but it is the evening that I always tend to snack.. It drives me mad.
I suppose I havent done too bad so far with my weight loss, I have only 1.2lbs to go before I have my first stone gone... WOOHOOO!! I would love to hear your comments and questions if you have any folks, and I will try and keep you updated as much as I can! Cheerio, your fat friend xxx

day 9 post-op

Hi there people, I am just dropping you a quick note to let you know how today went. Well I got up today and I had an Actimel to start the day. It was slow to get down I must admit. I then had a muller rice for my lunch which was quite good, and a half a bowl of lovely home made soup (roasted red lentil and spicy sweet potato) and I managed half a bowl of that. Then I had a banana milk, low fat, and then later on I had a weight watchers mousse. Then tonight I sabotaged all my efforts by having two chocolate sponge fingers and some hot chocolate before I go to bed. I am pissed off at my food choices and If i am going to loose this weight that has to change and quickly. I did do a great walk, around 3 miles. loved it and felt really fresh after it. First of many.,,

6 Days Post op and PROUD :)

Well HELLO people!! I am so so sorry, I have not been on here in a while. A lot has happened since I was last here, most significantly of all... Drum roll please... (lol!) I am OFFICIALLY a fully fledged Banded Beauty!! WOOHOO!! I made the journey to Belgium on the 14th of February 2011 (how romantic lol) and had the procedure on the 15th. We left home the night before and checked into The Radisson Blu in Dublin Airport as our flight was very early the next morning.  An anxious mind the night before had kept me awake and I was hoping for a nice sleep. That never happened.. I tossed and turned until the alarm went off the next morning at 4.30 and I hopped out of the bed like as though I had just gotten into it. Everything went fine as we checked in, we were flying with Ryanair, and I was worried as I had never flown with them before and we have all heard the horror story's right?!! We boarded the plane and after a short flight of a little over an hour we landed in Charleroi Airport. This was mistake number one. We bought two bus tickets into Brussels Midi to get a train out to Vilvoorde where the hotel we were staying in. The bus tickets were 13 euro each. We got onto the packed bus and were lucky to get two seats on it, not together but hey, we were on it and that was the main thing. Both of our seats were broken and it was really uncomfortable too so I couldn't wait to get off it.
We drove through horrible dilapidated suburbs with high rise flats everywhere until we got to the centre of Brussels. We got off the bus (THANK GOD!!) and crossed the road to the train station. We wandered around looking for our train and went and bought our tickets (5.60 euro for two) and tried to get directions to which train it was. It was  huge station and nobody seemed to speak English so I was growing increasingly frustrated at all of this, having little sleep and the added anxiety of what lay ahead of me.
So I made the executive decision to get a taxi (BIG mistake number 2..) so went out the back door of the station to find one. As we walked out I was suddenly aware of being in a dangerous situation. There were wino's, junkies and other "undesirables" all just hanging out in and around the door of the station. Now I am used to dealing with people like this in my job every day, but even the worst parts of Dublin City were no where near as bad as this. I was aware that I was carrying all the money for my surgery and also my spending money.. about 5000 euro in all. Not a good situation. So we hastily made our way past them and haled a Taxi. As we hopped in we said "Vilvoorde please". "Yes, yes, no problem, you are on holidays?" our taxi man asked as he incessantly cleared his nose by snorting, making my stomach turn. "Yes we are, just a short stay.." Eventually we landed at the Camponile Hotel, and went to pay him. I thought he said 16euro in French so I thought "ok, Il give him 20, as a tip." "No, No, FIFTY SEVEN"  he wrote on a piece of paper to make himself clear. I almost had a stroke. "Fifty seven Euro?" We were only in the taxi a little over twenty five minutes. Long story short folks, DO NOT GET A TAXI IN BELGIUM. EVER!!
SO we went into the Hotel, which was in an industrial estate..? and checked in. Our room was very clean and the bed was very comfortable but it was by no way luxurious. We dropped our bags and went for a walk to find a shop. There is one a short walk round to the left under the bridge. There is also an amazing Patisserie for all you cake lovers looking for your last bit of heaven;) However, even walking around, we felt people looking at us. I never felt safe there once. We bought biscuits and water for the room for a cup of tea. When we got back we fell asleep on the bed until Frederik knocked on our door at 7.00 that evening. Frederik is absolutely gorgeous with huge blue eyes and a dazzling smile. He told me to meet him in a meeting room in the hotel in 3 mins, and that there were four other patients there also. I was overjoyed when I heard this as I knew I wouldn't be on my own anymore.
In the room there were two other patients, both guys who were chatting away very relaxed drinking big mugs of beer. I couldn't believe it!! Then another girl came in and we all said hello etc. She was lovely.
So Fred just gave us a quick run down of does and donts and what was happening the next day. We paid him and all left to have dinner in the bar. He told us to eat, drink and smoke to out hearts content until midnight that night. And so we did :)) I had a lovely burger and chips with Bearnaise sauce and there was a desert buffet. The food was surprisingly good and very tasty, if a little dear.
We went to bed around midnight and again we tossed and turned. And then it was the big day..
dont mean to be gross ok ) I had a very loose bowel movement. As I ran back up the hall I could hear Frederik calling to me " Where are you going are you running away!" joking with me!
The next thing I knew I was being wheeled into the theatre and being given gas. Take a deep breath the anesthetist said.. and total blackness. I came around in the recovery room, and immediately told them I was in pain and I wanted a morphine shot, even though I wasn't but I knew I would be soon!! My throat was killing me but my mouth wasn't dry and I had no nausea or wind pain thank god. I could see my friend across the room and was glad to see was doing ok too. They wheeled me back up to the room and I spent the day drifting in and out of consciousness unaware of time or people. I felt like a train had ran over my stomach :) The other girl who was in the ward with us had been brought back before I had gone down, and we had been wondering what she had done although nobody would tell us as she was in great pain and was calling out and crying all the time. Turns out she had a band fitted too, good thing we didn't know that when we were about to go down or I would have been gone like the hammers of hell !! lol.
My partner came in that evening to see me but I slept a lot as I was still very drowsy. The next morning, just as I starting to congratulate myself on my bravery and resilience, a gang of nurses came in and shattered our piece. They began to take blood, remove our bandages and clean our wounds. It was horrible. Not because it was sore but because it was cold and I am ticklish.  Then she told me to take three deep breaths and hold the third one while she took out my drain. OH DEAR GOD THE PAIN OF IT!! but it was over quickly and I was delighted the worst was over.
We then got a taxi back to the Camponile to collect our bags and as we were staying in a hotel in Charleroi to near the airport we had to get another taxi. I knew it was going to be dear so I asked him before we left. He told me it would be "between 100 or 150 euro"..?! I was not happy with the huge difference so he said he would do it for 120. I hated giving him that money I swear to god.. anyways when we arrived at the hotel about 55 mins later we checked into our room. We were stating at the Best Western Hotel Aero 55. It has a three star rating LOL.. Faulty towers hadn't a patch on this place. Over the next few days we asked for ice, we were told they didn't have nay. We had to buy water from them, 6 euro a bottle (!) and when we asked where the tea service tray from our room was to make a cup of tea the receptionist arrived with a kettle. No cups, no saucers, no nothing. trying to get milk portions out of him was like trying to get blood from a stone.
We left early on Saturday morning and flew home, sweet home. The day after the operation was the worst as far as pain goes, you get better everyday after that. It is hard to get all your liquids down, and you can get a kind of windy pain if you don't drink really slowly, and it is agony getting in and out of bed. We were given soluble Paracetamol when we left, and five injections of Heparin which you have to administer every day for five days after the surgery, but I pulled the end off one and it spilt everywhere so I only had four! The staff in the hospital were lovely, I could not fault them at all, and Dr Chris and Frederik are the very professional and
also very nice good people. If I had to change anything I would never have flown into Charleroi, but as Aer Lingus were on strike when I was booking I had no choice but to go with Ryanair. It is a nightmare depending on taxis over there as they are a complete rip off but as I will never be back in Belgium again I am not too bothered about them, I thought it was a horrible desolate depressing country and there are shady characters hanging around on every corner. I'm six days post op now and I am delighted I did it, I am looking forward to losing the weight and being healthy. If anyone is considering going to Dr Chris De Bruyne for surgery and want any questions answered don't hesitate to get in touch, he is a brilliant surgeon and you will be in the best hands. I lost 4 lbs on my pre-op diet and now I am 9.5lbs down, 5.5lbs in less than a week!! Liquids are good, you don't get hungry so you can cope on them. I will let you all know how I am getting along and I will chat to you all soon!! Love and fat hugs, your favourite fat girl xxxxx

Day 1 Pre-op Diet

I bounced out of bed yesterday morning full of enthusiasm for my first official day on my pre-op diet. I thought it was the day before but I counted my dates wrong! I began yesterday by having two cups of tea before I left the house and I made a double shake to take with me for the journey. I know it sounds like alot but there is only 500mls of soya milk in a double so they are not that big, but I knew I would need to do that because I was not going to get a chance to have lunch and possibly not dinner either as I had loads of stuff to do and people to see. So off I went and no sooner than I had it down my neck than I began to feel nauseas and mega-bloated, it was horrible.
However it turned out I was right and didnt get a chance to have anything to eat at all and I ended up in Burger King on the Motorway at 20.00 STARVING.. (I will never be caught out again without healthy snacks and I will make it a priority to eat a healthy meal when I need one) so I had a Piri Piri Chicken sandwich with NO mayo and a diet coke instead, 370 cals and approx 6g of fat I think. I was annoyed at myself for not being prepared but I guess this is a learning process and as long as I have learnt from it it will be ok.
Today I had porridge for breakfast made on skim milk and a banana, a bagel with low fat cheese spread and a slice of ham for breakfast and a bowl of home made celeriac soup, and then tonight I had a chicken salad and three crisp breads made with some light salad cream.
I have had the worst stomach cramps all day and I have been to the w/c alot, sorry if that is tmi! I have a head ache and a very bad wind pain, so all in all I feel pretty crappy. I am considering just making a big vat of soup and just eating fruit and lots of lean protein.. I feel I need a more "set" diet, so I will see how tomorrow goes.  

What a relief to be finally on my path to success!!

Ola people!! I have had a fairly uneventful first day on my pre-op, but I made an alarming discovery this morning :( Ok, so you know the way you have your "fat jeans" hanging in the wardrobe right? Well I have many of them, but I pulled out one pair to throw on me this morning to run to the shops and I swear, they wouldnt even go past my HIPS!!! I couldnt believe it.. like these were a pair of jeans that even at my heaviest the LAST time would always fit me. So apparently I am NOW at the heaviest I have ever been :( I was in shock.
So I weighed myself and I am 215 lbs. 31/01/11. Last time I am ever going to be that weight I can garauntee you that much! My Goal is to lose 75lbs, and I am setting myself  a date of July 1st, which gives me six months from tomorrow. Now I know that this seems very quick, I am aiming for a 3lb loss per week. Maybe a little unrealistic but If i need to move the goal posts then I am willing to that, once I see what my progress is like.
I had a Low fat protein shake for breakfast which I made with Vanilla soya milk
.https://www.foreverliving.com/retail/entry/Shop.do?store=IRL&distribID=200002397632&language=en&gclid=CI60qLHBjaQCFQlbiAodSFkqOw
Now I am not promoting these products or anything it just happen'd that i bought some of their low carb rotein shakes in vanilla and they are quite pleasant tasting so I am giving them a whirl to see what results I get, I will keep you posted.
And then I had a chicken salad for lunch and I am going to have another shake for supper. I still feel really bloated and I did not drink enough water today but I am going to try and do that tomorrow, which will be difficult as I am going on a journey tomorrow and I will have to keep peeing.
I bought some lovely fat free yogurts to snack on and some sugar free hard sweets to suck when I need something sweet so I will let you know how I get on with those.
I gotta run folks Il touch base tomorrow ok xx

Mourning the loss of a dear friend.

Hi guys, I had to come on here and tell you all that tonight I ate the last of the worst foods that has made me fat, unhappy, unhealthy, and miserable. Tomorrow I start my pre-op diet and I am getting my band in 16 days time. I am very positive about it now.I am like "yes, I am being banded, I am going to change my life around, and I am going to svelte sexy and confident. I am READY to do this!!
I bought some celeriac today and I am going to make some healthy soups, i got some fat free yogurt for snacking and maybe for breakfast too with some berries and a banana for breakfast. I aim to drink at least two ltrs of water a day, and have baked potatoes and low fat fillings in them with salads, salads and more salads. I will touch base tomorrow lads. and let you know what I am eating and how I am feeling.
Love and fat kisses xxx

What if the fat girl within still wants the bad stuff...???

Hi everyone, I am sorry I havent blogged in ages but I have been busy.. I am really looking forward to my operation, the 15th of Feb (WOOOOOHOO!!!)  and I am starting my low fat diet to shrink my liver on the 1st of Feb,,  so I got like one more week to indulge in all my favorite foods. And boy am I gonna enjoy them!! Im going to get my Mum to make me some of her home made brown bread, and when its straight out of the oven, I am going to slather it in real butter and make love to that bread like its never been loved before LOL !! I have grown up with my Mums Brown bread since I was little, its a family tradition (you know us Irish and our Mums brown Bread!!) So that and I think I am going to make a lasagne maybe, steak, all the good stuff. I have been reading up on Fruit and veg juices ( i have a juicer lurking in the back of my cuppard!!) and its going to be used ALOT, I plan on being very healthy with my food choices, but then again, I have always had these great plans and none of them ever lasted long.. hence I'm a fatty!!
I am hoping and praying I dont start cheating the band and not  making it work for me.. I will be soo depressed.
I really want this to be the start of a new life for me and I am aiming to look somewhere like Jennifer Aniston or Cameron Diaz. Big dreams, but these are my dreams, and they are precious to me. I am also planning to get some moles removed from my face (i hate them!!) and I am also going to get my Rosacea treated. It is not bad but I have very rosie cheeks that I hate. So all in all, I know what I want, I know its going to be a battle, it will be the battle of my life, but that is exactly it. I am FIGHTING for my life, and theres no going back now!!

Good eating, bad mood day ;(

I think I am just trying to mentally get myself through the next 33 days until I get my lap band. I don't seem to really want to deal with anything, even normal day to day stuff seems a huge chore to be honest!! I got up late today, did some housework and just had a really lazy day watching tv until I went to bed tonight. I really am not eating much but I feel I need to get into some sort of routine and a positive frame of mind... It almost as if I have just checked out of reality today. Hope tomorrow will be better.. Fat kisses xx

35 DAYS TO GO TO MY OP!!

Hi everyone, I am sitting in bed (my hubby to be is snoring away here beside me.. bless!) and I decided to drop a few lines to say hello. I am really enjoying being able to express my thoughts about this life change that I am undertaking, and I would like to thank you all for your support.
Today I began to reflect on people in my past who are no longer part of my life. I will admit I have cut myself out of my old social circle due to my low self esteem and my weight. I do not want to socialise in my home town and have people looking at me and saying "Jeeeez,,, did you see how much weight she has put on..?!!" etc. A lot of my "friends" really were not friends to me at all, especially at times when I needed them most. My weight has had a devastating affect on me, my life, my social life, and the way I partake in my own family life. I shy away from meeting people and I have the feeling that my parents were always slightly embarrassed by my size. This is not a good feeling :(
  I was really good friends with a girl who moved over to Ireland when we were in 3rd class, she was English and we were like sisters. We were stuck together like glue, sleeping over in my house or hers, or vice versa. When we grew up, I did a very prestigious course for the travel industry, but my friends parents would not pay for her to do it even though she begged them. She decided to move to New York with another friend of ours. I got a good job in the travel industry and was very happy, although I really wanted to go with them when they went. She came home after a few months and came to stay with me in my apartment. I offered to help her get a job where I was working, so I did her CV for her, lent her a suit, told her what to say and how to act. I gave her CV to a friend of mine who was recruiting for an airline. She got the job and moved in with some other trollie dollies (air stewards) and we began to lose touch as she found new friends.
 I began dating a guy, and when I met one of his friends on a night out, I knew instantly that he would be perfect for her so I introduced them. They hit it off immediately and after a year they travelled around the world together. Was I jealous? definitely.
I got a few emails off her but not much more, even though my dad had been very sick at the time with cancer. When she came home,  I got an invitation to their engagement party. I didn't go. I just thought "F*ck you. You were never there for me when i needed you, and you never once made time for me when you came home" She never bothered getting in touch with me after that, and when they recently married in Sardinia this year, I never got an invite.
I was shopping with my Mother one day recently and they were passing me on the street. She saw me, I know she did, but she just whispered to her fiance and turned her head. I was so mad I nearly got sick.
There are plenty of story's like that I could tell but I won't. I have been let down by friends I thought were friends for life. I did everything for her. Now I am crumbling away, my weight is holding me back BUT I am excited because this is my time to shine. To get back out there and live a wonderful life and not worry about the "whispers".
I am TAKING my life BACK. I will be able wear sexy clothes (not just tracksuits and leggings) and I will be able to show all my haters and doubters that they missed out on a great friend. And I will be able to make more, with my new found confidence ;)

Deposit paid.. just booking my flights. OMG!!!

Just paid my money by International Money transfer from Ireland to Belgium, It normally takes three days ( I did not know that!!) Nor did I know that it was 25 euro to send it (bank charges.. duh I should have known..!) So I lodged 275 euro into my account and it was transferred from there.
I had a very bad experience some time last summer when I originally decided to get a band. I had a consultation with a Hungarian based clinic in Dublin, called "Haven Cosmetics". I went to the consultation (which was in a private house in Sandymount, alarm bells anyone?!) and met with this horrible sweaty man who claimed to be an anaesthetist. It was going to be 8000 euro for the operation, payable in advance to his account. He showed me amazing before and after pictures of previous patients. I was so desperate I decided to go for it. Two days later myself and my other half went to the Bank at Trinity in Dublin to lodge the money. As i stood in line with the lodgement slip completed I began to feel weak and faint. I got to the desk and handed the girl the money. Just as she was about to hit the send button I knew it was a wrong decision. "STOP!" I screamed at her.. the whole bank came to standstill and security jumped to attention. "Sorry, I mean, I made a mistake. I don't want to lodge to that account..." She looked at me as if I had just morphed into an alien. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I couldn't catch my breath. (I probably did look like an alien I'm pretty freaky looking when I cry!) My fiance led me out of the bank that day, delighted I didn't do it. Three weeks later the news broke that the so-called surgeon was in fact a bit of a butcher and had left people badly injured and without any aftercare at all. Somebody was watching over me that day in June 2010, and I am very thankful for that. Today was completely different. I strode into the bank full of confidence, really excited, and apart from having to fill in THREE (yes, THREE!) lodgement slips, everything went according to plan. Not a tear or a wobble in sight :)  BELGIUM HERE I COME!!

Pretend you're perfect and smile..?

Hi everyone, just touching base with you all. Very down in the dumps today, not having a good day at all. Definitely eating less, hopefully that will be reflected on the scales this Saterday! I am just about to go and pay my deposit of 250 euro to Dr Chris so I am quite excited about that, I still cannot believe that I am actually having surgery to overcome my weight issues and that I don't have the self control to do it by myself. I am feeling very disappointed and really sad about that.. I don't how I got to this stage. Does anyone else out there that got a lap band feel like this? I am just going to have to accept in my mind that this is what I have to do, and get on with it but I am finding it hard, I have to admit. I had opened a Twitter account to be able to tweet my progress, but I just checked it and I had already been tracked down by my sister-in-law and was being cyber stalked so I had to close it. It is unfortunate that I feel I have to hide what I am doing but that is just the way it is in my family. Never admit your failures and never highlight your imperfections. Just get on with it. Pretend you're perfect and smile. I can feel my new years resolution of being more positive slipping through my fingers as I type but seriously, do any of you ever just get sick of trying to please everyone else ALL the bloody time??
I have filled in my pre-op questionnaire and emailed it back to Dr Chris, so fingers crossed there will not be an issue with the pain medication I am on for my back. Does anyone know of a good liquid painkiller available in Ireland? I'm going to google it.. Il get back to you later ok ;) Fond Fatties Forever xx

Down 4.8lb!!

Hi everyone, I haven't been on here in  few days as I have been readjusting to being back in my own house again after the Christmas. And it is good to be home I  have to say, I have a sh*t load to do around here, We are still not completely unpacked and we have a lot of sorting out to do. The good news is that I am down 4.8lbs, I weighed myself on Saterday morning (albeit dying of a hangover.. again) and I was amazed, I thought they were broken but nope, I weighed again and they said the same thing!! Wowzers. And to be honest, I didn't even kill myself trying tbh. Maybe it was just fluid or something, so I am just going to keep up what I am doing and hope it wasn't.
I am actually worried that if I lose some weight my surgeon wont do the op for me when I get there as I am still only borderline "big" enough, (although I feel and look like a complete heifer and my health is in ruins..) so Im hoping that wont be an issue.  I have decided to throw a party on the 29th of January, because I am 31 in early February, and I am starting my pre-op diet on the 1st of February so I am going to enjoy my final fling as a fat girl and that will be the last time all my nearest and dearest will see me unbanded (not that they will know when I am anyways but I will!!) and then hopefully by the time they see me again I will have shrunk into this pixie-like vixen with a slender waist and an ass you would die for. ( I am trying not to get too carried away here ok but just go with it LOL)
I am also happy to report that my sex drive HAS increased some what (if this is TMI please, just let me know, but this is all part of my transformation folks so I am here to share!!) and we rocked it this morning ;)
I am still worried about my new business that I am trying to get sorted at the moment, and money matters ARE an issue at the moment, but I am determined that I am still going ahead with my op and putting myself first this time. I have to get my deposit paid my the 13th of January so I must get to the bank asap and get that sorted.
I have a feeling that something bad is about to happen, I don't know why I feel this, maybe it is just my paranoia setting in, I do suffer from it, but I don't know.. I don't know if it is the life change I am going through or the pressure I am under financially and the new business etc,but it is there and I don't like that feeling. Just going to have to ride it out and see if it my instinct or just paranoia. We will have to wait and see.
I hope you are all getting on with your new years goal and enjoying the new year, It is a great time to wipe the slate clean and start again. I guess I will talk to you all tomorrow as I am going to try and get some sleep right now.. Fat Friends United Forever :)) Talk soon xxx

I lost my dog..

I cant sleep, its 4.01 in the morning and I am as bright as a god damn button :( I got up to get a drink, do a blog and the dog needed a pee so I let him out... that was nearly an hour ago and he is not back yet..?!! My Dad will kill me if he is gone missing, OMG. Well I aint going looking for him so he is on his own and he knows where the  house is (I hope!) Im still feeling a bit like two pounds of dirt in a one pound bag and I am racking my brain to try and figure out what is wrong with me. What did I eat today that would make me feel so bad? I had a slice of wholemeal toast for my breakfast, and a small bowl of Weetabix minis (way too sweet wont be having them again btw..) and then I had an orange for a snack, and my dinner, which was chicken, a bit of mash and some mashed parsnips and carrots. Not TOO bad eh?? Ok. Then I had maybe two chocolates and a cup of tea later on and a chocolate or three before I went to bed. Ok.. THAT was a bit bad. But overall? Not my worst day tbh. SO I don't know why I am so sick. Might take a trip to the Dr's. I am a bit pissed with myself because I have not been drinking my water and I am finding it hard to drink it even when I try because I feel really stuffed and bloated all the time so it just sits in my tummy. And no, I have not done ANY exercise. Why? Because I am so god damn lazy. Period. And because exercise makes me feel like a big huffing puffing sweaty heap of dung. It's funny though, I was in bed tonight and thinking.. Wow. If I lost all the weight I could be a personal trainer!! How much more do you want in a trainer than someone who has been a former fattie themselves? Knowing how much you hate exercise? Knowing what buttons to press to make you work out? I would go to a former fattie personal trainer.
I just cant see myself as one of those "fitness fanatics" as much as I try to. I hope this changes for me, because I want to be healthy, I want to be fit and I want to live a long life and have loads of kids (the clocks a-ticking!) but I know i need the Lap band to help me. I cannot do it on my own AGAIN.
Oh, I got some fat free sorbet in Lydls tonight for all the ice cream demons out there, it is really nice and I am sure I will be eating bloody bucket loads of it when I have my band :))
Ok, I am signing off now. I hope I can sleep I hate being up all night and wrecked all day.
Thank you all for listening to my late night ramblings (the dog is back btw!!) and I will talk to you all tomorrow. Fat kisses xxxx

God I feel like crap..

Howdy all, not much to report today, I was very good all day but I still fell very bloated and tired. I am hoping it is only a mixture of being this fat and the painkillers I am taking for my back ( I have been out of my head for weeks!!) and not anything else more serious. I have a huge day ahead of me tomorrow, loads to do, places to go, bills to pay.. same old same old. Wonder if my life will transform beyond recognition once I is a skinny bitch?!! Well it might, but my bills will still have to be paid and my house will still have to be cleaned :( SO I will touch base again tomorrow and say hello. Happy fat fighting ;)

Late night danger time.. How did I do?!

Hi everyone! I said earlier that I would let you know how I got this evening. Well I am about to hit the hay so I know I am done eating for the day. After my dinner and one small TINY piece of dark chocolate, I got hungry about four hours later and I had a cup of Horlicks (pictured below) made on one cup of skim milk and another two tiny pieces of dark chocolate..(pictured beside the Horlicks!) and I put a small teaspoon of sugar in it :( I know, its alot of sugar for an evening but normally I would have eaten a whole bar of chocolate (family sized..) and maybe had some toast, some pate, whatever was at hand. Then after about another two hours I needed something in my tummy again after the painkillers I took for my back So I had another cup of Horlicks, on skim milk with a small teaspoon of sugar.  I am trying to keep myself just happily sustained and not have an all out blow out like I normally would, and I feel that I have done quite well so I am happy with myself today :)
I feel happy that I ate my dinner out of my one cup pot and felt full after it, and I am happy that I did not binge later this evening and make a little pig out of myself. I have to start drinking my water and incorporating more fruit, veg and less sugar and carbs. As I say, tomorrow is another day, and I will try and focus on that tomorrow.I have to try and get some exercise too so tomorrow I am going to go to the park..

I think I am trying to FOCUS on myself at the moment, and listen to my body. I hope you all had a good day today and that you are all looking forward to us all getting skinny and healthy in the year ahead. Here's my Horlicks as promised! And that is the chocolate beside it.. see? TINY!! LOL

Today was a good day..

Hi everyone :) I think I have done ok today. I have not yet complied with all of my list yet but today I had a breakthrough mentally. I got up and had a cup of tea (I need my tea in the mornings!) and I had two slices of light toast (Nimble bread, 48 cals per slice and nearly 3g of protein) and two cheese triangles on it. (approx 50 cals and 2g of protein) So that was 180 cals and 10 g of protein for my brekkie. Then I wasn't hungry until much later but when I did get hungry I had two satsumas and they were LOVELY!! So sweet, just hit the spot. Then I decided to eat my dinner out of a one cup pot, just to see what it would feel like.. And you know what? It FILLED me. I had enough. I didnt want anymore after I was finished. I will show you the cup measures I have bought, I put an Actimel beside them just to show what size these little fellows are ok ;)

 This picture is the Curry I had for dinner, I dont usually eat "ready made" food but this is definitely one of the better ones on the market here in Ireland and it has about 320 cals and 24g of protein in the whole pot, but thanks to my one cup pot ( I think I am going to call it Cuppy!) I did not eat all of that. I made basmati rice mix through with it and I dont I dont think it was a good idea, I would have preferred it to be a more protein based meal. (Tomorrows another day!!) The only thing was I was longing for something sweet after it, so after analysing my craving, I decided to have on TINY piece of dark chocolate and I was happy.. So all in all, good day all around SO FAR.
The evenings are my "bold times".. so fingers crossed I can control myself this evening. I will probably have a nice cup of Horlicks, which has loads of good stuff in it and will satisfy a sweet tooth made on skim milk and that will be it. Hopefully. Il blog a bit more later and let you know If Iv been good ;)
Ok, chat later fellow fat fighters, may the force be with you!!

Ok Here are the FINAL dates for my Surgery to make me a SKINNY BITCH :)

I am getting banded in Belgium, by a Dr called Christaan DeBruyn on the 15th of February and he is meant to be the best bariatric surgeon in Europe. He also does surgery here in Ireland, but it is 7,000 euro.. and I can go to him in Belgium and get it done for 4,100 euro. My flights will cost an extra 200 euro, and as a treat for me and my wonderful fiance (awwww, I cant tell you how much I love him..!) We are going to be staying in The Sheraton and staying a few extra nights. I am really happy and over the moon. :) The rooms are lovely and the beds are super comfy, so we can just hang out, watch a few films, and generally just chill out. We were really meant to stay in a different hotel but we decided to go for a bit of luxury.. So I will be flying out from Ireland on the 14th (valentines day!!) and then the next day is SCARY day lol

Is that WHY I am fat? OMG!!

Ok. You know yourself, you have done ALL the diets known to man, struggled to "stick" to them, vowed that this year (every year) would be "my" year, bought the protein shakes, joined the slimming classes, swallowed the diet pills, lived on soup for a week or two, and failing all that you have also tried pure starvation, right?? Yep I thought so. So have I. And guess what? I am FATTER now than when I began my whirlwind romance with diets and weight loss programmes. WHY? Well I think I have just cracked it..
I have figured out that I am an "emotional eater". I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am sad. My favorite pastime and guilty pleasure (and this is no lie!) is eating junk food while reading my newest diet book. I kid you not!
I have been in the most honest relationship of my life for the last two and a half years. I have never known someone as well as I know my Fiance, and he is the same (or.. so he likes to tell me!). But the one thing that is really an issue is when he does something that annoys me, I cannot bring myself to say it, and I just let it fester inside me until i explode over something silly. (Now don't get me wrong, he does stupid stuff too, all the time, but I forgive him, because he is only human after all.) But it really annoys him and rightly so, it's like I just REFUSE to express myself.. and inevitably I end up eating.
This last week has been a very interesting, but draining few days, as I am staying with my Mum while my Dad is away. I mean, I love my Mum to bits, she is my hero, but it has only highlighted my issues with food, and also my emotional instability at the moment. I can normally just eat or snack when I am angry/sad/frustrated/stressed/tired but here, in my Mums house, under her watchful eye, I cant. I have started crying for no reason, been inexplicably hormonal, extremely depressed, and the lowest I have been in years.
I am wondering am I feeling these feelings because I normally repress them with food?
I also have a situation with my older sister, and that causes me a lot of stress, and I have huge self confidence dips when she is around, particularly when she is with my Mum. I feel like they are constantly talking about me, judging me, pitying me, worrying about me. I don't want anything to do with her ( it is a long story) but I only talk to her for my Mum and Dads sake.
So what do I do? How do I deal with this problem? I do not talk to my parents about stuff like this because I feel that at their age they do not need it and it is selfish of me to look for this type of attention. Maybe this is the root of my problem that I feel I cannot talk to them. I have it as long as I can remember. SO I am going to have to do some research, find something to help me with this.
That has been a load of my chest I must say.. at least I feel I can talk to you :)

I didnt even get over the first day,, or did I??

I have already blogged here today but I had to come back and and say how the rest of my day went. It hasn't been as good as I had hoped. it all went a bit tits up (excuse the expression) after I took some pain medication for my back. It nearly tore the stomach out of me, I got really nauseous and I ended vomiting after I began to drink my water. I had a really sour stomach and I was just so ill. After a while I was absolutely STARVING and I I had to get something in my stomach and fast.. so I had FIVE Weetabix. With full fat milk. It kind of settled my stomach but then I got the heart burn.. really bad. I took some Gaviscon and eventually it went. But then I had to go and have a packet of crisps and some whole nut chocolate... ???? WHY?? WHY can I NOT stop putting crap  in my mouth? If I totted up my calories for the day I don't know how much I have consumed or whatever, but because my day was not structured, I don't feel like it was a success. So what am I going to do? I am going to start again tomorrow, and even if my scales reads ONE lb down next Saturday? I will have won this round. So No, I am not giving in, I am only getting started!!

The First Day, the first battle..

Hi everyone!! Ok, so game on. Today is the first of January 2011 and this is the year that I will become a Skinny Bitch :) As you know, I am having lap band surgery in February but I am channeling a healthier frame of mind and starting to train myself to make the right food choices until then. So today,  I slept very late as I was up driving everyone home after the celebrations last night and didnt get to bed until 5am. So my mum brought me tea and toast in bed this morning and I ate it.. it was wholemeal brown bread, low fat spread and I think there was sugar in my tea. Not the amazing start i had hoped for but it could have been worse! I then went back to sleep and slept until 15.30. I was wrecked after the late night and the Christmas festivities, so I think that was ok. Then I got up when my brother came over and hauled me out of bed. I had another cup of tea and an Actimel with my painkillers I had to take for my back. Then I made a Chicken Salad for Dinner..   Pictured here on the right. It was very tasty I have to say. Lettuce, radishes, mixed peppers and red onion, with a little low fat dressing and coleslaw mixed with a tiny touch of mustard was topped with chicken breast fried in  a tiny drop of olive oil.
Ok I didn't know how much protein there is in it and I didn't count calories, but it is low carb and fairly low fat.
Maybe I could have done a bit better but I am going to praise myself for making the effort!! Rome was not built in  a day you know ;)
Yesterday I set out a list of things I need to do every day to change my life. I dont think I achieved all of them today but I did try. Tomorrow I will try harder. I weighed myself today and I weighed in at 15 stone 5 lbs, which is 215 lbs. My goal is 140. I will weigh myself every Saterday and track my weight loss as I go on my tracker. How did you think I did today? What would you have done differently? Please leave me your comments I would be most grateful :) Tomorrow is a new day and it will be a better diet day than today. Every day I will improve and eventually be able to answer "Yes" to all of my checklist of new habits below. Until then, fellow fat fighters, be good, and take care ;)